I’m driving Dan’s black SUV to
Double Trouble, really it’s more like chauffeuring as it’s
snowing outside and Dan hates to drive in the snow. We’re
listening to The Killer’s hot new CD as we stream past abandoned
warehouses on our way to the bar.
Somewhere in the middle of “Sam’s
Town” I ask, “Did you know On Top was banned in China?”
“Banned?” Dan asks. “How do you
know?”
“A reader wrote to me, it said: Hey
OTM homos, did you know your faggy website was banned in China?”
“How could China ban On Top?” Dan
asks.
“Well, it did sound far-fetched,
after all the Internet is a very porous and fluid medium. So I
immediately got dressed, walked outside, hailed a taxicab, requested
the airport, passed security, boarded a plane to Los Angeles,
de-boarded the plane at Los Angeles, boarded a plane to China, ate
some peanuts, de-boarded the plane at China, hailed a taxicab,
requested the nearest internet café, traveled 10 minutes,
entered the Internet café, exchanged some American dollars for
Chinese yuan, purchased the minimum Internet rental, which was only 5
minutes, typed in ontopmag.com and received a message in Chinese
which read: 'For your protection this website has been removed' and
listed several related websites which would be of interest to me,
including 'Maoourgreatleader.com' and 'HelloKitty.com'.
“I see.” Dan says nodding his
head.
“Then two guards entered the Internet
café and asked to see my passport,” I continue, while Dan
searches the streets for life. “I showed them my American passport
and they escorted me back to the airport. I thanked them with a
polite 'Xie Xie', kissed the cute one on the cheek noticing that his
riffle stiffened a bit, and boarded the plane they had arranged for
me. I had just stepped back into the house when you rang complaining
about the snow interfering with your bubble gum martini fixation.”
“You can be a real dick sometimes.”
Dan shrugs scornfully.
“I’ll fax you an apology after I
deliver you to the bar.” I state, then add, “OK, there is this
website that will tell you if your website is banned anywhere in the
world. Yes, I checked it and sure as you like pepperoni sausage On
Top is banned in China.”
Dan is still looking out the window and
as we pass a man dressed in a navy blue sport coat he opens the
window and yells, “How much?”
I laugh, Dan reels himself back into
the car and asks, “So Chinese cannot read On Top. I’m sure they
got their own gay sites in Chinese to reflect upon. They don’t
need your cheap, second-hand import.”
“Well, it’s hard for me to think in
terms of being haphazardly banned. I ask you, what is it about OTM
that scares the Chinese? Yes, it has a pro-Mo stance, but the real
question is why do governments think they can change human nature?
Why do governments decide to impose their will onto their own
citizens?”
“Is it human nature? Is being gay
human nature?” Dan questions.
“Yeah, of course it is.” I reply,
and then add, “Homosexuality has been around for millennia and
exists in all cultures of the world. It exists in nature. Male big
horn sheep live in ‘homosexual societies’ and sheep that refuse
to have gay sex are social outcasts. Japanese macaque monkeys are
ardent lesbians. In fact scientists have discovered over 450 gay
animals. Not to mention all kinds of weird trans-sexual animals.”
“Would you advocate us, humans,
being morally superior to the big horn sheep and Japanese macaque
monkey to impose our will onto them and through some bizarre gene
mutation alter their sexual behaviors?”
Dan, flipping through the accompanying
booklet for The Killers, answers, “Of course not.”
“That’s what the Chinese are doing
when they ban On Top, when they attempt to mold society, when they
decide what is sexually…acceptable. They are messing with Mother
Nature.”
Concerned, Dan looks out the window at
the cold snow and then, with a deep sigh adds, “Snow in April sucks
too.”