I’m driving Dan’s black SUV to Double Trouble, really it’s more like chauffeuring as it’s snowing outside and Dan hates to drive in the snow. We’re listening to The Killer’s hot new CD as we stream past abandoned warehouses on our way to the bar.

Somewhere in the middle of “Sam’s Town” I ask, “Did you know On Top was banned in China?”

“Banned?” Dan asks. “How do you know?”

“A reader wrote to me, it said: Hey OTM homos, did you know your faggy website was banned in China?”

“How could China ban On Top?” Dan asks.

“Well, it did sound far-fetched, after all the Internet is a very porous and fluid medium. So I immediately got dressed, walked outside, hailed a taxicab, requested the airport, passed security, boarded a plane to Los Angeles, de-boarded the plane at Los Angeles, boarded a plane to China, ate some peanuts, de-boarded the plane at China, hailed a taxicab, requested the nearest internet café, traveled 10 minutes, entered the Internet café, exchanged some American dollars for Chinese yuan, purchased the minimum Internet rental, which was only 5 minutes, typed in ontopmag.com and received a message in Chinese which read: 'For your protection this website has been removed' and listed several related websites which would be of interest to me, including 'Maoourgreatleader.com' and 'HelloKitty.com'.

“I see.” Dan says nodding his head.

“Then two guards entered the Internet café and asked to see my passport,” I continue, while Dan searches the streets for life. “I showed them my American passport and they escorted me back to the airport. I thanked them with a polite 'Xie Xie', kissed the cute one on the cheek noticing that his riffle stiffened a bit, and boarded the plane they had arranged for me. I had just stepped back into the house when you rang complaining about the snow interfering with your bubble gum martini fixation.”

“You can be a real dick sometimes.” Dan shrugs scornfully.

“I’ll fax you an apology after I deliver you to the bar.” I state, then add, “OK, there is this website that will tell you if your website is banned anywhere in the world. Yes, I checked it and sure as you like pepperoni sausage On Top is banned in China.”

Dan is still looking out the window and as we pass a man dressed in a navy blue sport coat he opens the window and yells, “How much?”

I laugh, Dan reels himself back into the car and asks, “So Chinese cannot read On Top. I’m sure they got their own gay sites in Chinese to reflect upon. They don’t need your cheap, second-hand import.”

“Well, it’s hard for me to think in terms of being haphazardly banned. I ask you, what is it about OTM that scares the Chinese? Yes, it has a pro-Mo stance, but the real question is why do governments think they can change human nature? Why do governments decide to impose their will onto their own citizens?”

“Is it human nature? Is being gay human nature?” Dan questions.

“Yeah, of course it is.” I reply, and then add, “Homosexuality has been around for millennia and exists in all cultures of the world. It exists in nature. Male big horn sheep live in ‘homosexual societies’ and sheep that refuse to have gay sex are social outcasts. Japanese macaque monkeys are ardent lesbians. In fact scientists have discovered over 450 gay animals. Not to mention all kinds of weird trans-sexual animals.”

“Would you advocate us, humans, being morally superior to the big horn sheep and Japanese macaque monkey to impose our will onto them and through some bizarre gene mutation alter their sexual behaviors?”

Dan, flipping through the accompanying booklet for The Killers, answers, “Of course not.”

“That’s what the Chinese are doing when they ban On Top, when they attempt to mold society, when they decide what is sexually…acceptable. They are messing with Mother Nature.”

Concerned, Dan looks out the window at the cold snow and then, with a deep sigh adds, “Snow in April sucks too.”