I came across this retweet on Twitter:
"1 kid still believes in Santa, 1 doesn't. Thank God there isn't
a WikiLeaks for preschoolers" (From Hide and Seek Media,
@ruminations.)
Wouldn’t it be cool if there really
was a Santa Claus? I don’t remember learning that he was a figment
of the adult imagination, but I must have, and must have been
disappointed. I think the revelation came in stages. In the next to
final stage my mother would have admitted something like, “Daddy
and I help Santa.” Perfectly believable. Pulling the wool over
kids’ eyes only takes a little imagination.
I’d prefer a WikiLeaks for adults
that would reveal something like: Santa is a lesbian; and for
snopes.com to confirm it. The lesbian or gay male Santa/s would
always distribute homeless kittens, puppies and other pets to
deserving caretakers, especially those who are the only gay people in
nursing homes. S/he would carry sacks and sacks of high spirits as
well as mentors for gay kids. For grownup gays, instead of games that
use Get-Out-of-Jail-Free cards, Santa would produce
Get-Out-of-the-Closet-Free passes.
With a finger classically at the side
of the famous Santa nose, and winking at spiritual gays, our hero
would give unenlightened anti-gays huge raggedy old stockings filled
with coal and the names of miners killed or injured while digging it
out of the earth. The elves would sneak candy canes made of common
sense into the offices of politicians and refuse to leave until each
elected official choked down every last sweet scrap.
To the parents of baby dykes and
fledgling faeries s/he would bring pretty packages of unconditional
love to use unsparingly on their offspring, whatever their true
genders or sexualities. Every Bob Cratchit and first-nameless Mrs.
Cratchit would win the lottery so they could properly care for and
educate Tiny Tim and his siblings, even the gay ones.
Santa would chuckle magnificently as
s/he showered my beloved wife, who does have a first name and it’s
Sweetheart, with everything her big heart desired. And any of us gays
who wanted a Mac Air or an iPad bad, would get one and we’d write
gay and lez lit on them.
Every soldier, gay or straight, would
receive a plowshare, or even a whole plow, under the tree, while
elves (aka faeries) would magically disappear every weapon on the
globe. Al-Qaeda might get some of those sensible candy canes and some
of that coal, if we could find them. Corporate directors would get
genuine hearts, and they wouldn’t be made of candy. President Obama
would get back his dark hair and a veteran’s expertise from former
President Clinton. Oh, wait, that part’s already happening.
Ellen DeGeneres’s stocking would be
filled with a contract for the primest prime time talk show. TV and
radio would be gifted with inspiration to replace greed and return to
entertainment instead of right-wing proselytizing. Fox, in, specific
would get a stocking filled with emails suggesting they present
balanced news and information. Hollywood would receive scripts in
which the gay characters don’t get killed off at the end and are
allowed to live happily ever after. David Sedaris would have a piece
in the New Yorker every week. Oh, wait up again, that would be a gift
for me, but I’ll bet he wouldn’t mind.
Newly out gay geeks would receive
gaydar apps. Santa would give the spirit of the holidays to
amazon.com, which would, in turn, give lesbian and gay male
publishers a bigger percentage. Without war and the divisions that
create it, without putting all this money into fighting for our
rights, we’d have more resources to feed the hungry and cure the
sick – is that too much to ask, MyGaySanta.com? Or maybe someone
should buy the domain name, MyGaySanta.com, and seriously figure out
how to bring gifts like these to the world. Pulling the wool off
grownups’ eyes would take only a little imagination.
Merry holidays to all and to all a good
new year.
[Editor's Note: Lee Lynch is the author
of over 12 books. Her latest, Beggar
of Love, was called “Lee
Lynch's richest and most candid portrayals of lesbian life” by
Katherine V. Forrest. You can reach Lynch at
LeeLynch@ontopmag.com]
Copyright 2010 Lee Lynch