I came across this retweet on Twitter: "1 kid still believes in Santa, 1 doesn't. Thank God there isn't a WikiLeaks for preschoolers" (From Hide and Seek Media, @ruminations.)

Wouldn’t it be cool if there really was a Santa Claus? I don’t remember learning that he was a figment of the adult imagination, but I must have, and must have been disappointed. I think the revelation came in stages. In the next to final stage my mother would have admitted something like, “Daddy and I help Santa.” Perfectly believable. Pulling the wool over kids’ eyes only takes a little imagination.

I’d prefer a WikiLeaks for adults that would reveal something like: Santa is a lesbian; and for snopes.com to confirm it. The lesbian or gay male Santa/s would always distribute homeless kittens, puppies and other pets to deserving caretakers, especially those who are the only gay people in nursing homes. S/he would carry sacks and sacks of high spirits as well as mentors for gay kids. For grownup gays, instead of games that use Get-Out-of-Jail-Free cards, Santa would produce Get-Out-of-the-Closet-Free passes.

With a finger classically at the side of the famous Santa nose, and winking at spiritual gays, our hero would give unenlightened anti-gays huge raggedy old stockings filled with coal and the names of miners killed or injured while digging it out of the earth. The elves would sneak candy canes made of common sense into the offices of politicians and refuse to leave until each elected official choked down every last sweet scrap.

To the parents of baby dykes and fledgling faeries s/he would bring pretty packages of unconditional love to use unsparingly on their offspring, whatever their true genders or sexualities. Every Bob Cratchit and first-nameless Mrs. Cratchit would win the lottery so they could properly care for and educate Tiny Tim and his siblings, even the gay ones.

Santa would chuckle magnificently as s/he showered my beloved wife, who does have a first name and it’s Sweetheart, with everything her big heart desired. And any of us gays who wanted a Mac Air or an iPad bad, would get one and we’d write gay and lez lit on them.

Every soldier, gay or straight, would receive a plowshare, or even a whole plow, under the tree, while elves (aka faeries) would magically disappear every weapon on the globe. Al-Qaeda might get some of those sensible candy canes and some of that coal, if we could find them. Corporate directors would get genuine hearts, and they wouldn’t be made of candy. President Obama would get back his dark hair and a veteran’s expertise from former President Clinton. Oh, wait, that part’s already happening.

Ellen DeGeneres’s stocking would be filled with a contract for the primest prime time talk show. TV and radio would be gifted with inspiration to replace greed and return to entertainment instead of right-wing proselytizing. Fox, in, specific would get a stocking filled with emails suggesting they present balanced news and information. Hollywood would receive scripts in which the gay characters don’t get killed off at the end and are allowed to live happily ever after. David Sedaris would have a piece in the New Yorker every week. Oh, wait up again, that would be a gift for me, but I’ll bet he wouldn’t mind.

Newly out gay geeks would receive gaydar apps. Santa would give the spirit of the holidays to amazon.com, which would, in turn, give lesbian and gay male publishers a bigger percentage. Without war and the divisions that create it, without putting all this money into fighting for our rights, we’d have more resources to feed the hungry and cure the sick – is that too much to ask, MyGaySanta.com? Or maybe someone should buy the domain name, MyGaySanta.com, and seriously figure out how to bring gifts like these to the world. Pulling the wool off grownups’ eyes would take only a little imagination.

Merry holidays to all and to all a good new year.

[Editor's Note: Lee Lynch is the author of over 12 books. Her latest, Beggar of Love, was called “Lee Lynch's richest and most candid portrayals of lesbian life” by Katherine V. Forrest. You can reach Lynch at LeeLynch@ontopmag.com]

Copyright 2010 Lee Lynch