The conversation was already getting
heated and I had only made a simple statement.
OTM Qpeep Slim is sitting in front of
me at Big Joe, where we are surrounded by men with tiny dogs sitting on
their laps as they converse, drink coffee, or play Uno. The walls
are covered with Mark Wahlberg Calvin Klein underwear ad on Times
Square sized photographs suggestive of Abercrombie & Finch boys.
We sit beneath a poster of two hard-bodied, hairless, and shirtless
boys staring down at us, their madras plaid shorts situated below the
hip revealing their boxers underneath. If you look carefully, you'll
notice the drawstrings of their shorts are tied together into an
elegant knot. Overhead show tunes from obscure Broadway shows are
With a Peppermint Patty Mocha in my
right hand, I carefully maneuver my Nokia N95 multimedia-computer
phone into my coat pocket, thinking I should know better than to
initiate such explosive topics with Slim.
“Why should anybody listen to what
Sir Elton John has to say about religion?” Slim asks.
“All I'm saying is that he's got a
point when it comes to religion and homosexuality, he's saying
something I wish more people would say,” I respond.
“Of COURSE he’s got a point; it’s
obvious. But why do we listen up only when celebrities say it? It's
totally incomprehensible. Significant studies have been published
and praised by actual, bona fide sociologists but never given this
kind of attention. For example, there was a study where men who
described themselves as 'homophobic' were electronically wired to
measure their sexual arousal. The homophobes were not significantly
aroused by straight porn, they were turned on by...wait for it...gay
porn! I say these findings are deserving of more media attention
than EJ's off-the-cuff comments!”
“In Lawrence v. Texas the United
States Supreme Court decriminalized homosexuality and nobody blinked,
this was 2003, just three years ago. But then again, the court does
not include a disco ball, does it?”
“Ok, right, those are good examples,
I agree, but none of them carry the celebrity of Sir Elton John and
because of that more people will hear and ultimately listen to the
message,” I say.
“I just wish people would rub a
couple brain cells together to make a spark on their own once
in a while, without needing celebrities to make it okay for them to
think,” Slim snorts derisively.
“Besides, Sir Elton John can eat me!”
Slim continues, “I was walking down the street one day when EJ came
along and 'POP' his vagina fell out!”
I begin to laugh and ask, “Where was
“No, no, right down the street,”
Slim answers pointing to the snow covered corner. “My Father
always said, 'Son, you'll go far in life if you remember one simple
rule: A gentleman always stops to pick up a man's vagina, should it
fall out. So I did. Elton thanked me and promised me a reward of
100 pounds, yet here we sit four years later, no reward. I hate that
I continue to laugh, then say, “'POP'
I think my vagina just fell out!” as I express surprise and cup my
hands over my groin.