Satirical site The Onion reports that a gay teen hopes to make history as the first openly gay foosball player, driving instructor or actuary.

Fifteen-year-old Alex Zaragoza of Peoria, Illinois lamented to reporters attending a press conference about shrinking opportunities to become the first openly gay member of any professional field or social group, according to the farcical report.

“By the time I'm an adult, all the good stuff will be taken,” Zaragoza said. “Athlete's off the table. Senator's off the table. Singer was taken a long time ago. What's left? First openly gay male boxer?”

“Fuck,” he added, after reading a story on the Internet. “Already taken. Orlando fucking Cruz.”

(Related: Gay boxer Orlando Cruz proposes marriage.)

Zaragoza added that “president's still an option” but reminded reporters that to hold the office requires a minimum age of 35. “[B]y the time [I'm] 35, who the hell knows.”

“At his point I've narrowed my options down to foosball player, driving instructor and actuary,” he said.

“I feel like I was born too late. … What's left, for God's sake? First openly gay plumber? Would that even be a big deal?”