Rick Santorum was rescued by Pennsylvania fishermen after he attempted suicide protesting gay marriage, farcical news site The Onion reported on Thursday.

Santorum reportedly launched the website Americans Protecting Marriage from Homosexual Jerks like Nicholas Wiseman.

On The Onion's War for the White House, GOP political consultant Piper Cahill explained that Wiseman is a personal trainer from Philadelphia who married his boyfriend after a whirlwind 3-week romance.

Santorum, Cahill noted, was making an example out of the couple because “it demonstrates the disregard for the sanctity of marriage.”

Santorum is quoted as saying: “Gay men like Nick Wiseman are endangering the institution of marriage in this country by breaking the hearts of men who have done nothing but love them with their entire souls just so they can run off with some stupid muscle-bound slut.”

Cahill also reported that a heartbroken Santorum cried for two hours during an event in Ohio and was spotted ripping up photos of Wiseman.

Jason Copeland interrupted the newscast with breaking news that a despondent Santorum had attempted suicide by throwing himself into Lake Erie.

“He's okay,” Copeland reported. “He was rescued by some local fisherman. But apparently they heard him scream, 'Nick Wiseman, you'll be sorry you ruined something so beautiful.'”

Watch the entire comic segment at The Onion.