Rick Santorum was rescued by
Pennsylvania fishermen after he attempted suicide protesting gay
marriage, farcical news site The Onion reported on Thursday.
Santorum reportedly launched the
website Americans Protecting Marriage from Homosexual Jerks like
Nicholas Wiseman.
On The Onion's War for the
White House, GOP political consultant Piper Cahill explained that
Wiseman is a personal trainer from Philadelphia who married his
boyfriend after a whirlwind 3-week romance.
Santorum, Cahill noted, was making an
example out of the couple because “it demonstrates the disregard
for the sanctity of marriage.”
Santorum is quoted as saying: “Gay
men like Nick Wiseman are endangering the institution of marriage in
this country by breaking the hearts of men who have done nothing but
love them with their entire souls just so they can run off with some
stupid muscle-bound slut.”
Cahill also reported that a heartbroken
Santorum cried for two hours during an event in Ohio and was spotted
ripping up photos of Wiseman.
Jason Copeland interrupted the newscast
with breaking news that a despondent Santorum had attempted suicide
by throwing himself into Lake Erie.
“He's okay,” Copeland reported.
“He was rescued by some local fisherman. But apparently they heard
him scream, 'Nick Wiseman, you'll be sorry you ruined something so
beautiful.'”
Watch
the entire comic segment at The
Onion.